I just finished watching Juno for the 2nd time this month...probably one of my favourite movies right now. Smart, funny, touching, happy, bright, quirky...great movie. Anyway, I'm writing because, at the end, when she delivers her baby, (and from then on until the end of the movie), I BAWLED. Not just little tears like 'aww, that's cute', but full out shaking sobs and huge tears. Uncontrollable really.
I think it might be because my friend Sara is due on Friday and I can't wait, just waiting for that phone call from her mom...but knowing what I know now, I better bring tons of Kleenex because I am going to cry and cry and cry...babies do that to me I guess. I can't hide or deny the fact that I want one now, there's something in me that's calling to a greater purpose, that I need this to feel like my life means something, to have those moments for the rest of my existence.
But, I think the crying is also a result of the black little cloud that floats in the back of my head, the one that may not even exist in reality, but is there in my mind just the same, saying "you can't have that, not yet, not ever." I try to ignore it, but in times like these, it becomes difficult. I'm afraid the cloud will grow bigger and bigger and invade my whole conciousness, but I tell myself to wait and see, not to doom myself too soon.
Well, that's all for now, listening to some awesome music right now, hopefully I'll be posting some pics of my friend's baby soon!