Thoughts on this whole photography thing [LONG]

I've been meaning to write this post for a long time now, but I haven't had the time and brain function to articulate what I want to say (not quite sure I do at the moment either, but I thought I would try, on this rainy, rainy June day). I'm hoping to be completely honest about the whole thing, but I may gloss over some details or whatever for my own well-being (and perhaps to spare some feelings)...we'll see. I'm typing without a plan, basically.

First, a bit of background for those who may not know: Last year while I was on Mat Leave I bought a new camera and started taking photos of my friend's kids. I posted them on my personal Facebook, and for some reason (probably semi-purposefully, looking back on it), I included a watermark that said "Genevieve Flynn Photography". Long before I was on Mat Leave I had this vague dream that someday, maybe, I would get to do photography as a career (because I loved it so much). so that's probably the reason I took the 'leap' and included my name on those photos. Well it seemed to have worked, because I started getting requests from more friends and family, and friends of friends, and eventually strangers, to take photos of them and their kids. I was delighted, and jumped into the 'portfolio' building portion of my job (meaning I was charging near nothing and working my butt off). Luckily I was able to do it because Victor was still small and Dan was home for a lot of it. I shot about 30-35 sessions in 2010 and was extremely encouraged.

Around the Fall I started to seriously think about what I would do once my Maternity Leave ended at the end of February. Of course the idea of staying home and doing photography was at the top of my list, so I started researching ways I could do it. My father in law recommended a federal government initiative called the Self Employment Benefit Program (SEB). Basically it was a program designed to help you get through your first year of owning your own business by providing EI payments while you worked. The payments were small (less than minimum wage), but it was meant to act as a supplement so that you could take a stab at working for yourself. It sounded perfect for me so starting at the beginning of this year, I worked on my application and business plan.

Now, before that (still in the Fall), I also started a Fan page on Facebook and a Blogger blog. I bought a professional blog template and worked on it for months, but couldn't 'reveal' it until I knew I was in the SEB program (one of the conditions of the program is that you couldn't be already 'working' at your job, so I had to keep things somewhat under wraps). The dream was slowly becoming a reality.

Then, around February, about a week before I had to send in my application, I saw that positive sign on the pregnancy test. To say I was freaked out and discouraged was an understatement. I saw all my hard work and possibilities fly out the window. Once the initial shock wore off though, we decided not to let the baby ‘get in our way’ of our original plans, so I applied for the SEB program anyway, knowing full well that I may have to quit early to raise the baby in the Fall.

The rest happened fairly quickly; the application/business plan was reviewed, approved, I sent in a few papers, registered my business name, arranged a sitter for Victor, and by mid-March I was ‘officially’ working for myself (and getting paid, too)!

So that’s how it happened, and here I am now, about 3 months in. And so far? It’s been equally awesome and discouraging.

Awesome for obvious reasons; my schedule is incredibly flexible, which means I can still live my life and not have to plan too far ahead and can take life as it comes (important when you have a little one!) The only obligation I have under the SEB is that I need to work 35 hours a week, but those hours can be at any time, so sometimes I work after Victor has gone to bed, or on the weekends. My ‘work’ is also flexible (for example last week I went location scouting with Dan and Victor on a Saturday afternoon, and it really didn’t seem like ‘work’ at all). I LOVE having the flexibility to do what I want, break when I want, work hard when I want and generally be my own ‘boss’. If Victor is sick I can take the day off, or if I have appointments I don’t have to rush through them to get back to the office, the work-life balance is just where I want it to be.

Of course it’s also awesome because I get to do what I love to do, which is to take photos of people. Despite being generally introverted, I always enjoy talking with clients and getting to know them during and after the session (after the initial jitters wear off). I love the blogging, the organization, the inspiration, the editing (well, maybe not so much the editing, haha), the shooting, and just generally being allowed to be creative.

I’ve also made a great ally and friend through all this, and for that I’m very thankful. We’re both throwing our hats into this photography business world together, and it has been so nice having someone to bounce ideas off with, talk and vent to, and just having someone who ‘gets it’.

Now of course, it hasn’t been perfect. Things have been quite a bit slower than I originally thought (and would like them to be). After much debate and struggle, I recently raised my prices to what I felt I needed to survive (and what I felt I was worth), and the response has been mixed (not surprising considering just last year I was shooting and burning for pennies). That of course makes me doubt my self-worth and just how viable having this business will be in the future. While the SEB payments are extremely helpful (in that they are acting as my sole income while any profit money is going back into the business), we’re just getting by as it stands now and sometimes I feel like I’m not contributing enough to the family and towards our dreams (owning a house, for example). I worry all the time if I chose the wrong market (Sussex is a small, lower class town, and professional photography probably isn’t at the top of everyone’s priority list), if I’m being foolish for thinking I can charge more when there are tons of shoot and burners out there (some of them who’s work I feel is less good than mine, yet are rolling in sessions…extremely frustrating), if there’s too much competition, and recently, if my work is just not good enough. I’m full of self doubt and I really don’t enjoy it (I was quite confident in my abilities at my last job, so this is new for me). I’m trying not to pay attention to what others are doing around me, but it’s hard sometimes. I’m proud that I have taken a few ‘risks’ (my one little word for 2011) so far, but the fear of failure is still always right there in my mind.

While I do enjoy working for myself, I often find myself lacking motivation, and will admit to piddling away more ‘work’ time than I’d like to confess (Facebook is evil I tell you!) It’s easy to justify all the online things I do as ‘work’, but really, I need to be more disciplined. Instead of scanning Pinterest for images, I should be out practicing my craft; instead of checking and updating my Facebook several times a day, I should be out meeting people, handing out business cards and finding ways to promote myself. I know all this and yet I sit here, in front of my computer, and passively wait for work to come to me. It’s very hard for me to ‘sell’ myself, so this aspect of owning my own business is definitely the hardest for me. I still kind of stutter when people ask me what I do and I say “photographer”.

Sadly, since photography became my ‘job’, I also take less photos than I used to at home (with the exception of my cell phone). I know this is pretty typical for photographers, but I wish I could get that spark back that I once had for photography, and not let it get bogged down by all the ‘business’ stuff (I read somewhere that owning your own photography business is 90% business, and 10% photography, and I totally agree!) I think that having more sessions would help ‘get the ball rolling’, but I shouldn’t wait around for that to happen, I should get out there and shoot, because once I actually start, I LOVE it. It’s just starting that’s so hard.

I know it’s still really early in the game, only being 3 months in (and really only have about a month of decent shooting weather, if that!), so the fact that I’m not swimming in work shouldn’t be an indication of how things will go in the long run. It takes years to establish a business and brand name, so I know I have a long way to go, I just hope that I can find the courage to not quit and go the safe route of a steady income, less responsibility, and job stability.

And that I can figure out a way to work with a newborn, but that’s another story :S

If you made it to the end of this, bravo! Thank you for letting me spill my mind through the keyboard and the interwebs.

Be back soon with a much fluffier post, about hair! (I have an appointment for Friday, I’m going red! And getting bangs! Oh my!)

Until then,
G.

PS-Are there any other ‘working at home mamas’ out there? Do you have some of the same self doubt issues that I have? Do you love working from home or are there downsides too?

SHAMELESS PLUGGING:
My Photography Website
My Photography Blog
My Facebook Fan Page (come 'like' me!)

8 Years...or so.

8 years and 1 month ago (or so) I met this handsome fellah (ha!) when he subletted my roommate's (and his cousin's) room for the summer. He played guitar, had long-ish hair, and introduced me to Emo music.

8 years ago and 2 days ago (or so), we had a bit too much to drink and had a bit too much fun, and we un-offically started our life together.

(romantic I know.)

8 years later (or so), we're parents to one fun little boy (and soon to be a fun little maybe-girl), adults, in debt, wrinklier, more experienced, maybe more mature, and still in love.

We haven't been perfect to each other over the past near-decade; we've argued, bickered, nagged, judged, and gotten mad at each other...but we've also talked, laughed, been silly, been silent, mended, fixed, built and dreamed together. 

I don't give him nearly all the praise and attention he deserves, but I do tell myself every single day how incredibly lucky I am that he rented that room for the summer and that he has been so loyal and caring to me for these past 8 years.

(Or so.)    

Happy (late) anniversary babe. I love you.

G.

One Little Word.

(It's nice to see that even after having a baby, I still have the knack for taking cheesy self portraits, ha!)

Warning: This post is long and rambling, but I've been wanting to say all of this for awhile, so it cannot be shortened.

I have decided to have a 'one little word' for 2011.  This is based on Ali Edward's concept of having a word to focus on and inspire you over the year.  I've never done it before and wasn't planning on participating, but over the past month or so, a word kept creeping into my mind, nagging at me...it was a case where the word found me, not the other way around.

My word for 2011 is RISK(s).  More specifically, taking them, embracing them and learning from them.

The definition of the word risk is pretty simple:

risk  (rsk)
n.
1. The possibility of suffering harm or loss; danger.
2. A factor, thing, element, or course involving uncertain danger; a hazard.

Now, of course, I won't be taking any physical risks or putting myself into any 'real' danger over the next 12 months, but I've been inspired and motivated to take risks of a different kind instead.

Risks with my mind,
my heart,
my family,
my image,
myself, and
my future.

I'm basically looking at the word in two ways:

Taking risks with the little things.  This is how I plan to 'get my feet wet' with taking risks.  You see, I'm pretty afraid of taking chances.  I've lived a very safe life nearly my whole life, mostly because of an intense fear of rejection, confrontation, embarrassment, and failure.  I'm definitely one of those people who stays away from the ledge, makes the easy choices, doesn't like to gamble, and cringes when watching people who obviously can't sing try out for American Idol.  I feel the failure for them, how crazy is that?  But now that I have dreams that are somewhat outside of the 'safe' zone, I've realized that taking risks is something that I can no longer avoid, and so I'm going to try and face the fear and embrace the risks I need to take.  

Of course, there are 'risks' that involve very little...well, risk.  Foolish things that may seem easy to others, but for me, would be considered a step outside of my comfort zone.  Things like:

*Dyeing my hair a different colour and/or cutting it short 

*Wearing clothes that I don't normally wear and may not consider 'flattering'

*Looking people in the eye when talking to them

*Painting my rooms a crazy colour when everyone else is doing white

*Eating out or seeing a movie alone 

*Calling my friends instead of emaling them

*Talking honestly about my successes and failures on this blog

These are all small things that I plan on doing more in the New Year, because they are relatively easy and pain-free.  It's a step in learning not to care so much of what others think of me and doing what I WANT to do, not what I think would be safe to do (meaning no one will laugh at/judge me).

But then, there's the more serious side of the word...

Taking risks with the big things.  Honestly, this part scares the shit out of me.  There's one risk in particular that I will be taking in 2011 that basically prompted this whole personal revolution of mine and drilled the word 'risk' into my head...

I want to work full-time as a photographer. 

...

My word, even writing it down has me all trembly.

Why is this so hard for me to declare?  Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what people will say and think, especially in this big, bad, anonymous Internet world.  I'm afraid that I'm not talented enough, that I'm stealing other people's jobs (in Sussex, NB, no less! [insert sarcasm here]), that I'm not educated enough, that I'm just a poseur 'mamarazzi', and that I will FAIL.

I do not like to fail.

This past year I've been extremely fortunate in having so many wonderful people allow me to capture their memories for them.  I did 30 sessions in 8 months, some paid, some not, but all incredibly satisfying and rewarding.  I learned a lot and discovered a type of work that I really enjoyed.  Loved, even.  I received a lot of praise, but was also personally challenged.  Everyone kept asking me 'will you be doing this once your maternity leave is up?'  I wish I had been confident enough to say 'yes, I am', but I always brushed the question off, saying instead 'oh, I hope so', or 'we'll see'.  I was afraid risking the answer. But it's what I want, and so this year, I'm taking the plunge.

I don't have a job lined up for when my maternity leave is up in March.  I don't plan on looking for one.  I will be applying for a government grant that will help me financially for the first year as I get my business up and running.  If I don't get it, I will try to do it on my own.  I am working on a business plan.  I am considering getting a business loan (or at least borrowing some money from a very supportive father).  I am investing in new gear.  I am working on a website and blog.  I am posting photos on Facebook and asking for attention. I want to take a few courses in photography, editing and accounting. I am going to learn to say "I am a photographer" with confidence and not be afraid of the response.

I'm taking the risk. 

(There are other 'big' risks that I want to take this year, but I'll probably include them in my "Goals for 2011" post, since this has already become quite novel-esque...) 

So there you have it, my one [big] little word for 2011.  I plan on placing this word, and the quote above, somewhere prominent in my home/office so that I can reminded of it whenever I get off path or become complacent.  I'm not sure if I will do anything crafty to go along with it, like Ali's class, but we shall see.  It's not about the crafts, or completing a project.  It's about the word and honouring it.

2011, I can't wait for you to start.

G.

A girl can dream, right?

Now that Dan is back to work and we're starting to settle into life here in Sussex (side note: if you would have known me 10 years ago, you would know that I would have NEVER said I'd be back in Sussex!), we're starting to seriously think about buying our first home.  I've been stalking MLS and the local listings for years now, long before we physically lived in town, but yesterday I actually went to my first house viewing, just to get an idea of what to expect.  I think I may have started out a bit too large though, since the house above is the one I went to see and I fell in love with it right off the bat!

You see, I love OLD houses.  I don't know if it's because I grew up in one or because I've always been into older/antique things over modern ones, but there's something wonderful about a home that has real character, that has seen many people pass through it, that has stood the test of time, and that brings you back to when things were different...I just love it.  I love it despite the many challenges that older homes present, because to me the goods far outweigh the bads.  So anyway, after seeing this house it got me thinking about my 'short list' of what I'm looking for in a home (Dan is far less choosy, but he has a few requirements too, so they are included in the list.) 

Ideally, my/our dream home would have:
*Age (ideally it would be at least 60 years old, or older...my parents' house is about 100!)
*Lots of natural light (plenty of windows with nothing blocking the light from getting in)
*Wood (if painted white even better!)
*Space (though it doesn't have to be enormous, the rooms can be smaller)
*An upstairs and downstairs
*A decent sized kitchen (doesn't have to be eat-in, but it would be nice)
*At least 3 bedrooms
*All the majors up to date (roof, foundation, furnace, etc)
*Somewhere to put the computer that's out of the way (I'm done with this computer-in-the-bedroom/living room/hallway crap!)
*A possible separate office space for myself (though not necessary)
*A possible garage or back room for Dan's instruments (though not necessary)
*Some land (not a ton, but we need a large yard for the kids and a garden at the very least)
*No neighbours (this is more Dan's request than mine)
*A few luxuries (a fireplace or large deck or something similar)

A few things that our dream home DOESN'T need:
*Multiple bathrooms (we're very used to having just one, and a small one at that!)
*New appliances
*New anything really!
*Perfect paint colours
*to be move-in ready

I also want my home to be somewhere in which I'll want to spend my time (since I'm a homebody), in which I can decorate for the seasons, see raising my kids comfortably, somewhere that will be cozy but still kind of grand, and in which I will finally, finally feel truly at home.

So anyway, back to the house above.  It met a lot of the criteria; tons of space, 3 bedrooms, 3(!) bathrooms-one with the original clawfoot tub-a decent sized kitchen with a pantry, dining room, living room w/fireplace, den, large mudroom-possible-office, 2 staircases (I grew up with a 'servant's staircase' that went into the kitchen and I LOVED it), a huuuge wrap around covered veranda (look at it!), a large backyard...it has pretty much everything. 

Not to say it was perfect though.  There is a lot of cosmetic and even non-cosmetic work that could be done (including tearing down the rickety attached woodshed and carriage house, and some major landscaping), but the nice thing is that none of it would need to be done right away.  I also like the idea of a house that you continually get to work on (seriously, what do people do with those brand new homes that need no work?!)  The other not-so-great thing about it is that although the location is very convenient in many ways (it's about a 2 minute walk from the school and right downtown), our neighbours are quite close.  In a perfect world this house would be situated just outside of town on a few acres of land, but that isn't the case.  Still, I love it...but as my mom said, I need to look at several houses before deciding on which one is for us, I can't buy the first house I see without looking around!

So this is the beginning of what may be a long house-hunting journey (we probably won't move until the Spring at the earliest). I may blog about other houses we see, but this first one definitely left a mark on me so I thought I would mention it.

And, of course, one of the most exciting things about owning your own home is decorating it! So I'll leave you with some pretty pictures of "modern country" homes that I thought would suit my style and the style of the house above.

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[This kitchen is actually very similar to the one in the house we saw, the cabinets are painted white wood and there's a double window above the sink...sigh. source]

I've been so bad at blogging and keeping up lately, Victor has had a cold all this week so he's been hard to get down for naps, which means a lot of extra time in mama's arms. I really need to come back soon and do Victor's 6/7 month update though, I can't fall more behind than I already am! 

Oh life.

Be back soon I hope!
G.

Yeah, I'm one of those...

I'm one of those...

...a 20-something year old with a 'fancy' camera

...a stay-at-home mom who is trying to supplement her income

 

...a "scrapbooker-turned-wannabe-photographer"

 

...a beginner who is afraid to show off her work to blogland

...an amateur who doesn't know all the technical jargon and is still afraid to shoot in Manual or RAW

...a person who doubts herself and her ability more than she probably should

...a person who receives compliments from 'the real world' yet doesn't believe them

...a starting-out business owner who finds it hard to use the words 'clients', 'session fees' and 'proofs'

...a woman who is trying to pursue her real passion.

So, yes, I am all of these things, but I'm going for it anyway.

Happy Wednesday.
G.

PS-To see more of my photos, hit the "Press the Shutter" button in the sidebar.

7 things I've learned about myself in 7 weeks of parenthood

Victor @ 6.5 weeks

In the last couple of months since having Victor, I've discovered a few things about myself as a mother. Some of these things aren't the all-is-wonderful (or proper/correct) notions that some mothers have (or feel like they should have), but it's how I feel at the moment and my feelings are true, which is important when it comes to motherhood and parenthood. I don't think that it's fair or accurate to anyone to make being a parent seem all lovey and sunshine and rainbows, because even at this young, sweet, innocent age, it certainly isn't (not that only complaining about it is a good thing either; nothing bothers me more than mothers who are constantly complaining about how hard being a mom is...umm, hello, you CHOSE to have a child, suck it up!). Anyway, sorry, rant over.

So here we go:

1) My patience level since having a baby has...stayed exactly the same (meaning I don't have much).

This is something I feared before having Victor; that my patience (or lack of it) would get in the way of how I am as a mother. People kept telling me while I was pregnant that once I had my own baby, my patience would grow. Well, so far it hasn't (or if it has it's been very little.) As completely ludicrous as it sounds, I often lose my patience with Victor because he's not behaving 'rationally' (meaning he's crying and won't stop). It doesn't take much for me to get frustrated with him and start feeling like I'm going to lose it, so I think that it's going to take some work on my part to get better, because I know that as he gets older, my patience will be tested way, way, way more. Of course I don't let my anger or frustration get out of hand, I walk away from the situation if I have to (this is where Dan-and point #4-become invaluable), but there will be times where I won't be able to walk away and I'll have to learn to be more patient with my son and the trials that he brings my way. It's going to be one of my biggest challenges as a mother, I know this for a fact, but I'm more than willing to work on it.

2) I don't love-or even like-breastfeeding.

Now, working in Public Health for 3 years has definitely convinced (aka brainwashed) me into knowing that breastfeeding is the best possible thing I can do for my baby; that doesn't mean, however, that I do (or even have to) like it. I'm not sure if it's me or him or what, we just don't mesh that well I guess. I would say that it's tolerable (even calm and enjoyable) only about 50% of the time, the rest of the time I'm frustrated and wishing I could be doing something else. This usually happens when he's fussy and is having a hard time latching on, or is coming off 20 times in a feeding, screaming for no apparent reason, and making a HUGE mess on himself and me. Having to use a nipple shield isn't helping matters at all, it makes things even more frustrating since it takes more preparation/work than just feeding him normally would (luckily he's starting to feed once in awhile without it, hopefully by the time he's 3 months old he won't need it anymore.) Like I said, it's the best thing I can do for him right now so I will continue to breastfeed him exclusively until at least 6 months and aim to breastfeed for a year, bu for me it's not the blissful, bonding experience that some mothers claim it is. I prefer to connect with him in other ways, and I won't miss it once the year is up.

3) Speaking to my baby in French has been easy.

I wasn't overly concerned about this, but there was a part of me that wondered if I would be able to speak to him exclusively in French; so far, however, it hasn't been an issue at all. In fact, I'm starting to find it strange to speak to other babies (for example my friend Sara's little guy Eli) in English! When I'm talking to Victor and I don't know a word, I simply say it in English and move on, I don't stress about it because I'm sure as time goes on and I get more and more used to it, my vocabulary and comfort with it will grow as well. Now, learning to speak in a normal tone of voice might be a bit more challenging, since I'm so used to using my pet/baby voice when speaking in French, but I'm sure it'll be fine. The more difficult challenge will be finding books/shows/toys/activities/groups that are in French that we can both enjoy, because I don't think I'll feel comfortable switching to English with him in any situation, which is how I want it to be. I'll worry about that when he gets older though.

4) I can handle hearing-and letting-my baby cry.

I've heard of some moms who have said that it physically bothers them to hear their babies cry, or that it makes them feel bad and they feel the need to comfort their babies right away in order to stop the crying...not me. If he's crying, I can handle it. I mean, I always try to get to him before he gets too upset, but it's only because I know that the the more I let him cry, the harder it will be to get him to calm down, so that's why I do it, not because it bothers me one bit. In fact, if I try to comfort him and he just keeps crying, I will let him cry in order for me to calm down and regain my patience (see point #1 above). It's not the ideal way of doing things, but if I need the break, then he will just need to 'cry it out' for a few minutes. In the end I don't think that it will hurt him that much (I would say I do 'attachment style' parenting only 75% of the time, the other 25% of me is pretty tough.)

5) I depend on Dan way more than I thought I would (or than I should).

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I don't know what I'll do once my husband goes back to work. It's been such a relief and a blessing to have him home with me during these first few critical months. We've been acting like such a fluid and cooperative team, it's going to be extremely hard on me once he's not around during the days. From changing diapers to staying up with him at night; from passing him off when he's fussy to simple things like getting me a glass of water when I'm breastfeeding, Dan has been absolutely perfect. I guess I knew I would depend on him to some degree since I always have personally, but I've ended up needed him way more than I thought I would (or that I really should...dare I say I've been spoiled/lazy?) I need to start getting into the habit of doing things by myself, getting more organized so that things run smoothly on my own, and getting used to being alone with the baby for long periods of time, because otherwise it's not going to be easy (I'll report back on how I do with this one next month.)

6) Broken sleep isn't so bad.

Now, I'm pretty lucky because Dan helps out a ton, especially late at night, but even still, so far having only broken sleep hasn't been so bad. There have been a few times where I've felt tired, but for the most part I manage, especially during the day and in the mornings. My worst time is probably between 8pm and 1am, this is when I start to crash and where Dan comes into play. He will stay up with Victor while I head to bed at around 11:00pm or so, and most of the time I don't need to wake up until 3 or 4am (and then every 2 hours afterward), which is wonderful. I've gotten quite used to only having 3-5 hour stretches of sleep, and I think that as long as I can have at least one long stretch, I'll be ok until he starts sleeping through the nights...whenever that will be.

7) While motherhood isn't 'my destiny' or sole purpose in life, nor my absolute favourite thing in the world, it's pretty amazing.

Enough said. Even with all the frustrations and learnings and lack of sleep and messy clothes and poochie stomach, I think that being a mama has been really fun and cool so far, and I can't wait to watch him grow.

(Oh, bonus point #8-I have no issues with my baby 'growing up' or getting older or anything like that, I totally don't want him to stay like this forever. I want to see him grow and learn and become a little boy and then a moody teen and then a handsome young man, to me the excitement of seeing his life develop outweighs any sadness I'll have at 'losing' my baby/child. And time isn't flying by, at least not yet, but that may change.)

So that's that, my feelings at being a mom @ 7 weeks. As I said before, things are going really well, and I'm very happy :)

Be back later with some more pics and maybe even a-shock!-scrap layout.

Until next time,

G.

Random thoughts on this whole *parenting* thing [@ 34 Weeks]

I know that:

*I'll say that I won't let my baby watch TV until after he's 2....but he will.

*I'll say that I won't give in and use bribes/threats to get him to behave...but I will.

*I'll say that he will only play with educational, natural, pretty toys...but he won't.

*I'll say that he'll breastfeed exclusively until he's 6 months and breastfeed until he's at least 1...but we'll see.

*I'll say that he'll never come into the bed with us...but he will.

*I'll say that he'll only eat healthy and will never touch a chip, cookie or hamburger until he's older...but he will.

*I'll say that he'll always be cutely dressed with his face and hands clean...but he won't.

*I'll say that Dan and I won't just talk about the kids all the time...but we will (for awhile at least).

*I'll say that I will make an effort to not look frumpy or too "mom-ish"...but I might not.

*I'll say that I can handle all the housework, side jobs, budgeting and primary parenting on my own...but I won't be able to.

I also know that:

*I'll use the car seat as a place for him to sleep if it works.

*I'll stick him in front of the TV or some other form of media to get a few minutes of quiet.

*I'll feel frustrated at times and will wish for my non-kid life (and free time) again.

*I'll feel guilty for leaving him to go out at times. Then I'll feel dumb about feeling guilty.

*I'll get discouraged when I find myself struggling to speak to him in French.

*I'll be constantly judging myself and comparing myself to other moms.

*I'll wonder if I'm doing a good job.

*I'll overlook something kind of serious because I'd rather "assume everything is ok".

And yet I know:

*I'll read to him and expose him to as much music and art as possible.

*I will never switch over to English with him. Ever.

*He will be surrounded by his family and our friends who will love him.

*Dan and I will make time for each other.

*I won't be afraid to hug him or tell him I love him. Or to kiss Dan in front of him.

*We will go outside as much as possible.

*He will be photographed A LOT.

*I will continue to enjoy the things I enjoy now like photography, scrapbooking, blogging, etc (maybe just not as much).

*I'll be a good mother to him.

Goals for 2010

Well it's that time of year again, I can't believe it! We just got back yesterday from being away with our families for a week, and even though it was lovely and great, I'm pretty happy to be home (and off work) for a few days to catch up and relax. I'll probably do a Christmas re-cap in the New Year, but I wanted to share my Goals for 2010 which, for the last 4 years, I've documented both as scrap pages and blog entries.

First though, here are my previous years' pages, I can see that I'm definitely a fan of the strip journaling for these...

And here's my page for this year (not sure why it's so bright and cheery, guess it was all the BG Urban Prairie I used, it went with the pic I had...)

So my Goals for 2010 are somewhat similar to the goals I've had in the past, not sure if that's a good sign or a bad one (ha!). Anyway, here they are:

1. Survive (and thrive at) being a mother: Obviously the biggest change that's coming for us in 2010 is the birth of our little baby sometime in February/early March, so I'm trying to be realistic about what I can accomplish next year, knowing that I'll have this little person who will need me most of the time and will take a lot of my focus/energy (not that I mind). So part of me is just thinking that I need to survive being a first time mom, survive the late nights and lack of sleep, the pains/joys of breastfeeding, the fears and worries I'll have about every little thing, and all the other concerns and challenges that new moms face. I don't only want to survive this first year with him though, I want to be good at it. Of course I'll have lots to learn and I'll make plenty of mistakes, but I want to be the best mother I can be and have the best family possible, so I'm determined to do everything I can to make that happen.

2. Save the down payment for a house, continue to pay off debt and bulk up the Emergency Account: I always have to include a financial goal in my list, and this year's is the same as last's. In 2009 we managed to save quite a bit for our down payment (about half I would say), but we didn't save enough, so I'm hoping that 2010 will be the year that we finally make it happen. We've got our finances pretty much in order which is great (2009 was the first year ever where Dan and I both worked full time for the entire year), but now the trick will be learning to adapt to the new way of doing things once we move and our incomes change, and also finding a way to continue saving/paying off debt while I'm on Mat Leave. I would also like our Emergency account to cover more than what it does now (it will need to built back up from scratch once we use what we have for the house), and I want to continue at the rate we're at now in our debt payments, which is still painfully slow but at least it's something. My other mini-goal is to have our credit cards paid off by the time the baby is born.

3. Build my photography portfolio: Besides the baby, this is the one I'm most excited about. Before I got pregnant this year I had major plans to move forward with my photography, but it all got shot to wayside once little bébé came into the picture (I just couldn't handle it both physically and mentally), so I'm hoping to start back up on it in the New Year. My main goal will just be to get a variety of shots to start building a portfolio that I can eventually use to show clients and start a website. I know of at least one wedding/engagement I'll be able to shoot, of course I'll have a newborn/baby model to use, and I'll have to ask anyone and everyone to let me shoot them over the year. I think that moving to Sussex will be a good first step, the locations and possibilities for shoots alone will be a great motivator for me I think. It's ambitious and will take a lot of work on my end (I admit I'm nowhere near ready to start taking on clients at this point), but if I have enough shots built up over the year, then perhaps I'll make it a goal to take on clients in 2011. This is my creative goal/dream, so I really want to work hard at it.

4. Keep my marriage a priority: With all the new changes coming our way, I wanted to make sure that I kept Dan and our marriage at the forefront of it all. I truly believe that a happy marriage makes for happy parents and that there's no way that I could ever get through this life without him, so I intend to make time for us alone, not to let the baby consume all of my time/thoughts (within reason of course, I know the first few months are going to be tough), and to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man, husband and father in my life.

5. Travel at least once outside of the Maritimes: This one is already covered since I know that we'll be flying out to British Columbia in the summer for my friend Heather's wedding. I'm so happy that I'll get to travel in 2010 though, I never want the joy of travel to leave my life. It can adapt (no more running off to Europe alone for 2 weeks), but as long as I get to leave home for a period of time and experience something new, I'll be happy.

6. Garden: Pretty straight forward. This is my 'practical skills' goal. My sister has grand plans for a garden at her house next year, and so I intend to help her with it as much as I can and learn the joys of growing our own food.

7. Continue blogging and scrapping at current rate: I love blogging and I really hope that I'll be able to keep it up next year. This is kind of my selfish goal, but I think it's really important that I keep something for myself and that I don't become consumed by being 'Mama' all the time. I've managed to post (on average) twice a week for most of the year, so if I can do the same in 2010 then I'll be happy. I have some scrappy goals I want to accomplish as well, finishing up projects mostly and using up my Stash.

8. Get involved: This one might be the toughest to accomplish, actually. I'm so anti-social most of the time, but with a new little baby on the way I have the perfect opportunity to get out there, meet new people, make new friends and get involved in my community (which will be my hometown, so all the more reason). Whether that means going to mommy-and-me type groups, crop nights, a running club, a cooking/photography class, anything at all, I want to get out there and experience new things and new people. It will be good for me I know, but like I said, might be the toughest one to actually do.

9. Change my eating habits: I should have started this one, oh, about 6 months ago (ha), but I realize that I'm not just feeding myself anymore, there's someone else in the picture who needs more nourishment and a healthier diet than what I'm providing. I fully intend to give my baby the best start in life, and that includes providing him with the best and healthiest food possible, which means I myself will have to change what I put into my body. Gardening (Goal 6) should help this along I think, but it will also just take some sheer will power and willingness on my end to try new things. Another practical goal, but also probably one of the hardest (I'm a chip addict, I can't help it!)

10. Start going to church: This has always been my intention once we moved home; I have a few churches in mind, I'll have to try them out once we get home, but I really want to be part of a church community and get back 'on the path' as they say.

Well, there they are, 10 goals for 2010. I'd love to hear what your resolutions/goals are for the next year, so if you did a similar post, please comment and link me up!

I hope you all have a wonderful end to 2009 and a spectacular 2010. I personally cannot wait for the new decade (and all the wonderful things it will bring) to arrive.

Random thoughts on this whole baby thing [@ 29 Weeks]

Here we go, another batch of random thoughts from an increasingly large pregnant lady:

*Now that I'm in my 3rd trimester, the energy levels are definitely coming down a bit and it's kind of disappointing me since I still have so much to do! The past week I've been feeling quite tired and drained, the extra weight/difficulty in movement is certainly contributing to it I think, which is normal, but still, it was fun to feel like my old self for awhile. Also starting to wake up at night a couple of times due to having to pee/leg cramps, so that's adding to tiredness too. I will never be rested again! haha.

*I have no clothes. Yet again.

*I'm trying really hard not to let all the doctor and medical stuff bother or worry me too much. So far a lot has been thrown at me (all the tests and appointments and worries about my heart/the cord/my cervix/the baby's growth/early labour/my sugar levels, giving me steroids and pushing beta blockers, etc, etc), but until I actually feel that something is wrong with either me or the baby, I'm not going to let it get to me. I feel healthy, I feel like the baby is healthy so that's how I'm going about the next 11 weeks, assuming everything is ok. Now, I'm being watched/looked after quite carefully and for that I'm very thankful (if a bit annoyed at all the time it's taking), but I don't want to let it consume my thoughts, I'd rather just enjoy the time I have with him and Dan now worry-free.

*I've gone for 3 ultrasounds so far (with another coming next week) and they are always great fun, the last time we got a good look at his lips and face...it's a little person in there, that's what I'm realizing the most now. No more alien baby, no more weird concept, but a real, adorable little guy who's part me and part Dan, and I'm getting more and more anxious to meet him :)

*My favourite part of this whole thing so far has been feeling him move. It's definitely more distinct now and I can almost tell what he's doing in there. In the past couple of weeks the kicks have become almost more of a dragging motion, like he's rolling over instead of just jerking around, and it tickles, oddly. I can't complain about him hurting my ribs yet, but I'm sure it'll come in the next 11 weeks or so. The feet are definitely higher up in my abdomen though, and sometimes I can pinch my skin a little and feel the outline of his little foot (or what I think is his foot anyway.) So cool. I'm still very much mesmerized by my belly.

*We STILL don't have all the things we need for him (like a crib or car seat), but we did get a stroller so I feel like we're getting there, slowly but surely. Our moving plans are just a teeny bit more definite (we've decided on a date at least), but everything else is still so up in the air that I don't feel like we can properly plan or purchase anything before we know more (which we should hopefully next month.) I think that once Christmas is over and things settle down a bit more, I'll be able to focus and go out for a few big shopping trips to pick up the things I need (I read something today about needing little baby washcloths and nail clippers, I didn't even think of that!)

*One of the best things we found out recently is that I can have a natural birth, which is great news. I won't lie and and say that I'm not nervous or a bit scared about labour though, for the longest time I had it in my head that I was getting a 'cop out' by being forced into a c-section, but now that I have to actually address the fact that I'm going to be giving birth naturally, there's lots to think about and consider. Dan and I have talked about it some already, and I'll probably develop a birth plan over the next few months, but I think that at this point it's still too much of a far-away concept for me to really deal with (and I'll probably continue saying that up until the moment it happens, ha!) I am excited about it though.

*The closer I'm getting to leaving work the guiltier I'm feeling about it. I don't want to start doubting our decision to move, but the people here are so great and my job has changed so much (for the better) over the last 6 months or so that it's really making me sad that I have to leave it. I know moving home is going to be great in so many ways (being close to our family, living in the same town as one of my best friends, having our kids grow up together, getting a house, living in the country, hopefully being able to stay home with the baby), but there are definitely things that I will miss about our life now.

*We're about 90% decided on the name, I've even addressed him as such a couple of times to try and get used to it...I think that whatever name we choose will sound weird until I actually see him, then hopefully the name will fit. I'm almost committed enough to buy one of these custom prints for the nursery, but I think I might hold off just a bit longer.

PS-It's not Maxwell.

Well that's enough for now, I still have 2 (possibly 3 if I do one 4 weeks after birth, which might be fun) v-logs left to do and 5 more Belly shots, time is flying! I'm really looking forward to the next few months though and to finally meeting my son.

Until next time, the thoughts keep piling up...

G.

The Numbers.

They're starting to add up on me today....

....I'm having a baby in about 13 Weeks
....I'm potentially moving in 10 Weeks
....I'm finishing work in 10 Weeks
....Christmas is in 4 Weeks from Friday
....I have approximately 30 more boxes to pack (at least!)
....I have approximately 98% of my Christmas gifts left to make/buy
....I've gained 15 pounds
....I miss 3 of my friends and am thinking about 1 constantly
....I'm waiting for 3 long overdue packages to arrive in the mail (and 1 to come for my sister)
....I have approximately 25 outfits for my baby so far, and 12 cloth diapers
....I'm starting Season 3 of Dexter
....I have 3 weeks until my next ultrasound
....I have more debt than my mind can think about right now

....

....and I have zero motivation to deal with any of it.

But tomorrow's another day.

Cloth Diapers=Woah

So I've been researching cloth diapers on and off for quite awhile now (even before I was pregnant), but only today did I really buckle down and do the research needed to see what I thought I would like, and more importantly, what it would cost us. I think I've made my decision, but I wanted to post here and see if any other cloth-diapering mothers out there could give me some advice on my choices. (Plus it's Saturday night and Dan has gone out to a party, so I'm all alone and have nothing better to do, ha!)

The main thing I've decided to do is to get a variety of types of diapers, so that I can find out what I really like and then adjust accordingly when little Kid A gets older (or for the next baby...)

Because of their price value, I've decided to buy 2 packages of Bummis Organic Cotton Prefolds, one for Infants and one for Baby. Each comes with 6 diapers and from what I can tell, they are fairly easy and good to use, even when (and maybe especially when) the baby is really small. I will probably use these mostly on days when it's just me and the little one at home, so that Papa won't have to use them too much, but I'm sure he could learn if he had to. For our budget (less than $500 from birth to potty training, including all accessories), this seems like the best way to go.

To go with these of course I'll need some Snappies (I'm not really aware of any other kind of closure devices, are there others out there?), and some covers/wraps. Based on the reviews I've read, the Bummis Super Whisper Wraps are the best multi-purpose use wraps, they fit well over prefolds, flats and fitted diapers, even non-Bummis brand ones. So I'll be buying 4 of these, 2 with Velcro closures and 2 with snap closures (the woman at the store said that snaps are better for older kids since they are harder to get off.) The patterns are so cute!

Another type of diaper that we'll be getting is the fitted kind. These will be easier for Dan and the grandparents to use, but are still cheaper (generally) than pocket and all-in-one diapers. I haven't done a ton of research on different kinds, but another mom recommended Sandy's Mother-Ease fitted diapers since they are super absorbent and long-lasting. So the plan is to buy 3 of these at the moment, and if we really like them I'll probably buy more.

Since we don't have a huge budget we won't be able to afford many pocket and all-in-one diapers, but I did buy 3 Fuzzibunz Pocket Diapers today because they were 24% off and seemed like a good way to ease into our cloth diapering purchases. I've only heard/read good things about Fuzzibunz so I have no doubt that I won't regret buying these.

So that's what I have planned out so far. The cost will be about 250$. This still only equals 18 diapers and 4 wraps (9 for up to 15-20lbs and 9 for 20lbs+, plus 2 covers for each weight category), so I realize that I'll definitely need more, but I'm hoping to find some 2nd hand and/or receive a few as gifts to fill in the gaps, and if not I'll most likely fill in the gaps myself with more prefolds or fitted diapers, and only count on my luxury diapers for special occasions. But overall I'm quite happy and excited for trying this out, I realize it's going to be some work, but I'm lucky (?) in the fact that I haven't changed a lot of diapers in my life, so I'm not used to disposables by any means, so if this is all I know then it should be easy.

Now, ideally, if I had all the money in the world, there are some cloth diapers I would definitely buy, like the Bum Genius all-in-one diaper, (or even the Fuzzibunz all-in-one diaper-as opposed to the pocket version I have), and the Bummis Bamboozle Fitted Diaper looks really nice too. And for the mother of all wool covers (with a price tag to boot), is the Aristocrats Wool Soaker.

I also love the idea though of handmade knitted wool diaper covers (even though I know they are not as absorbent), but for the cuteness factor alone I would suffer through some leaks. I mean, look how cute this is! (Mama, si tu es entrain de lire ceci, voici un autre projet pour toi, haha)

Photo from here

So that's about it. My main source so far as far as cloth diaper education and reviews go has been Simple Mom, she has a wonderful series on cloth diapering that completely sold me on the idea long ago. I've also been checking out The Diaper Pin for reviews on items Simple Mom doesn't have listed. There are so many brands out there though, it's hard to know which ones to go with, so I've basically stuck with the most popular brand names, but if there's one that I'm missing, please let me know! (I've also chosen these brands because they are available locally at a wonderful local baby boutique called Nurtured, it's gorgeous in there, and they sell mostly natural/eco-friendly products, check out their site!)

So, cloth diapering mothers, what advice do you have for me? Mothers-to-be, are you thinking about cloth diapering and if so, what brands/types are you leaning towards? I'd love to hear from someone else, since it's such a large investment and part of your child's (and your) daily life, it's important to make good choices.

Or am I just nuts and obsessive on this Saturday night?

I may just be.

PS-I totally plan on using disposables sometimes, especially when he's just a tiny itty-bitty newborn and maybe near the end when they are potty training, or just to have a pack around for nighttime/travel, but I'd like to be about 80% cloth diapered.