I need to slooow it down! Or at least not post every single layout that I do, because it's getting ridiculous. Anyway, I wanted to post this one though because it's about something that I've been thinking about for awhile now, and that is taking chances.
Taking chances is not something that I do. Not at all, in fact. I don't like to gamble, bet, try new things or move out of my comfort zone, it makes me very uneasy. I like watching the same movies over and over, listening to the same songs over and over, doing the same things everyday and keeping things within my control, knowing what to expect. Taking chances on anything is very hard for me, but it's something that I want to change in my life.
The main reason for not wanting to take chances is the fear of failure. I can't say that I've failed at too much in my life; whatever I've done, I've been good at (or at least good enough in my own mind.) I did well in school and university...but that may be because I took classes I knew I would be good at and avoided what I thought I might fail at. I do well at my Job, I do well with my friendships, with my hobbies, with my marriage, with my surroundings...but they are all familiar to me, and they all don't involve much risk. I've never faced a major failure in my life (unless you count my infertility, but that's a whole other issue.) Anyway, point is, I haven't failed at anything that I consider major, so I don't know what it's like and I don't know how to get up from it. And that scares me, the older I get. I don't want to fail. I don't want to say "I wasn't able to do that" or "I wasn't good enough at that." I hate being bad at something, anything. So it keeps me from trying new things.
The other main reason for not taking risks is fear of judgment from others. This is something I've dealt with since I was a teenager, caring way too damn much what others thought. The older I've gotten the less bad it's been, I'm starting to realize that if others don't like me, there's not much I can do about it and I shouldn't worry too much about it. But I still worry what they would think if I did something new; in my mind if I step out of my norm and take a chance, I'm a free-target. And especially if I did something new and then failed at it. The disappointment from my family, from Dan, and, most of all, from myself, they all hold me back from doing things that my heart's desire is calling me to do. (Now, strangely, there are some aspects of my life where I fear the judgment of strangers-like the Internet community-more than my close friends and family, such as when I put my work, photos, etc out there for others to see, but in other aspects of my life, I fear the judgment and disappointment of those closest to me. This would include my job, my finances, my marriage, etc)
I can't say I was brought up in a "you can do anything you want and be anything you want to be" kind of world, my parents were very realistic about things and set a really good example of working hard, but at the same time, I was never limited in what my parents allowed me to do. So I really don't know where I got this attitude that if I wasn't working a 9-5 job, if I didn't have kids, or have a house, or do this or do that, that it wasn't considered "ok", I really don't know. For example, as a child, I wanted to be a writer and an artist, but all of sudden, probably at around 13 or so, those dreams stopped and I started expecting myself to do more "normal things". Why, I don't know. I've always said (with conviction) "Not everyone can be a rock star or ballerina or artist". Basically it means not everyone can pursue their "frivolous" dreams of non-cubicle life and jobs, there' just not enough room in the world for them all. It's been an argument of mine for alot of different things against people I considered "dreamers". Or people who have encouraged me when I expressed my dreams to them. And I've accepted-so far-that there wasn't room for me. But lately, I'm starting to think that this mind set is really holding me back and I'm not sure where it came from or why I think it's the God's-honest truth of my life. But it's what I face.
I have a friend who is the complete opposite of me (and this is what triggered my inner monologue). She is quitting her good, 9-5 job in 2 weeks, moving across the country alone in a couple of months and is starting fresh, and is going to try and make it on her own as a business owner. She's got a plan, but there's a lot of risk. Alot of unknowns. And as much as I fear for her (I want her to be ok and succeed), I also envy her boldness at risking it all and going for it. Now she says that she's not risking alot, but that's not how I see it. Our perspectives on this type of thing are completely different, but I wish I could start seeing it her way.
I wish I could believe in myself enough to take a risk. With my career, with my artistic aspirations (this one especially gets to me, more and more), with my dreams...but logic, fear and a lifetime of thinking "I can't" are stopping me.
Now, the unsympathetic and rash part of me is saying to myself "Quit your complaining, if you want to do something just make it happen, stop and talking and start acting." And I hate to hear myself talk like this, it's so whiny in a way, but I wanted to express my frustrations with myself for not taking more risks. But it does bother me, and I apologize if I sound whiny or ungrateful for what I have, because it's not meant to be that way at all.
Perhaps I should add that to my Resolutions for '09: Take more risks. Put yourself out there and don't worry about the judgment, the risk of failure and the unconventional-ness of it all. Perhaps that's what I shall do. In small steps.
"If you risk big, you stand to win big." -Halle Berry (not the best source of inspo, but it's true.)
Well that's enough revealing for now, it's time to get some sleep and go nurse a sick hubby. Thanks for peeking at my layout, and happy midweek to everyone!